tag...you're it
OK … so its been 4 months since my last post…maybe one other person reads this so the world is not missing much…. So here you go one person..who ever you are.
i should have known it was going to be a crazy year after working on Strange Love for a week in New York and Greg The Bunny.. i had surgery on my left knee and yes eventually had shoulder surgery just recently. i’ve gone through self hate episodes by drinking myself into oblivion and even went on a massive drug bender one night. i wont mention what drug lest i become president and lose all credibility, ha!
definitely had some pretty nasty years in the past and this past one was no exception..in fact in the relative scheme of my life it would appear as a rather tame year however i can’t explain why i found myself in the bathtub one night with a knife to my wrist. well maybe i can. I didn’t go through it..instead i broke down in tears as waves of compassion washed over me..finally some grace.
no amount of therapy, meditation or yoga can really take away the amount of suffering one has had during life. nor can acceptance bring solace to a tortured soul. The amount of peace and goodwill i’ve projected has only been matched by endless recurring waves of self loathing and despair. its amazing how this cycles over and over again.
children of neglect often find themselves in one of three places in life at any given moment. this moment changes due to the ever changing forces of nature that despises a static condition. either on a hell bent path of self destruction, a genuine path of self renewal and spiritual awakening...or withdraw from the wold in some escapist fantasy…or in my case all of the above. we are sent on a path to self realization or bust. that dependency and association are illusions and identification is a farce. it is a slap in the face for choosing to come back into the world. granted i have played the victim but that has only reinforced self loathing. my siblings all fall into one of these categories and i often wonder if they are better off not having gone gone though attempts to "fix" themselves as i have, since ignorance is bliss. definitely convinced that past karma has something to do with all of this and hopefully am making amends for it all as well as for my brothers and sister. spiritual teachers all agree that we chose our lives in order to give rise to opportunities to learn and we are given only what we can handle. how many more times must I get to the point of giving up, after making what is to be considered much progress only then to fall back again to the starting line never getting anywhere?
a poet acting in this film we’ve been working on and I were musing yesterday "why are we born! Haha why are we born ? in a bout of pathos ...ironic since she has two amazing children of whom we played tag in between setups..and for a few brief moments i forgot about everything and experienced bliss…. in the meanwhile knowing all to well the answer to that question. That knowledge has driven me to the point of near insanity at times. I kept the answer to my self the whole time knowing it may lead her down the same path.
i should have known it was going to be a crazy year after working on Strange Love for a week in New York and Greg The Bunny.. i had surgery on my left knee and yes eventually had shoulder surgery just recently. i’ve gone through self hate episodes by drinking myself into oblivion and even went on a massive drug bender one night. i wont mention what drug lest i become president and lose all credibility, ha!
definitely had some pretty nasty years in the past and this past one was no exception..in fact in the relative scheme of my life it would appear as a rather tame year however i can’t explain why i found myself in the bathtub one night with a knife to my wrist. well maybe i can. I didn’t go through it..instead i broke down in tears as waves of compassion washed over me..finally some grace.
no amount of therapy, meditation or yoga can really take away the amount of suffering one has had during life. nor can acceptance bring solace to a tortured soul. The amount of peace and goodwill i’ve projected has only been matched by endless recurring waves of self loathing and despair. its amazing how this cycles over and over again.
children of neglect often find themselves in one of three places in life at any given moment. this moment changes due to the ever changing forces of nature that despises a static condition. either on a hell bent path of self destruction, a genuine path of self renewal and spiritual awakening...or withdraw from the wold in some escapist fantasy…or in my case all of the above. we are sent on a path to self realization or bust. that dependency and association are illusions and identification is a farce. it is a slap in the face for choosing to come back into the world. granted i have played the victim but that has only reinforced self loathing. my siblings all fall into one of these categories and i often wonder if they are better off not having gone gone though attempts to "fix" themselves as i have, since ignorance is bliss. definitely convinced that past karma has something to do with all of this and hopefully am making amends for it all as well as for my brothers and sister. spiritual teachers all agree that we chose our lives in order to give rise to opportunities to learn and we are given only what we can handle. how many more times must I get to the point of giving up, after making what is to be considered much progress only then to fall back again to the starting line never getting anywhere?
a poet acting in this film we’ve been working on and I were musing yesterday "why are we born! Haha why are we born ? in a bout of pathos ...ironic since she has two amazing children of whom we played tag in between setups..and for a few brief moments i forgot about everything and experienced bliss…. in the meanwhile knowing all to well the answer to that question. That knowledge has driven me to the point of near insanity at times. I kept the answer to my self the whole time knowing it may lead her down the same path.
posted by Irin | 12:02 PM
1 Comments:
i love the image of the "hide and seek". only because you are 7' 9". why do i see your legs gangling out from behind a bush?
please don't smoke any more crack with flavor flav.
xo k
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